The iPhone 77 is set release between the year 2156 and 2170. Great news, it will be free. Horrible news, there’s a catch. Just like the peasants during Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993), we may have to take Apple seriously when they say, “Lend me your ears.”
According to sources* close to the Apple Bored Room, the release of iPhone 77 requires customers to give up their ears, as the volume will only be accessible via an implanted, Bluetooth chip in their heads.
“The Bluetooth volume chip will be implanted between the skull and skin. It will not damage the mushy, important part of the brain,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said. “Underpaid, overworked Chinese surgeons will complete the ear surgery for free for each customer. An additional $25.99 will be charged if you want them to cover up the holes, like my son in the picture above.”
Many customers were opposed to the idea of “lending their ears,” but Apple made a statement saying, “They have to follow our rules if they want to use our technology. So FUCK OFF!”
In addition to the iPhone 77 and 77C, the Bluetooth chip will be compatible with all electronic devices in a typical household, such as televisions, computers, and radios.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) it will only be compatible for human-to-human communication if the person you’re talking to also has the Bluetooth chip in their head. This means that if you’re a husband with an implanted Bluetooth chip and your wife doesn’t have one, then you won’t be able to hear her.
Count. Me. In.
*Note: Our sources are very far from Apple, Inc., but with internet connection it’s just as if they’re close.