The latest iOS 11 update from Apple makes your iPhone slower and stupider, but according to Apple this was by design. This comes as a relief to Apple consumers, as originally they thought it was an accident that their phones started to suck. But why did Apple do this?
Lead Architect for the iOS 11 team told the press that, “[Apple] wanted to see if customers would dislike their devices if they operated with the speed of a 2001 Nokia phone. And we were right. People really hate their phones now!”
“BUT WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?” an angry protestor yelled at him.
The iOS architect replied, “Now we can go to investors and tell them we have the ability to predict the future. And with that knowledge comes big investments!”
Apple told its customers that there are two ways they can re-upgrade their devices to a contemporary 2017 type of operating speed:
Apple threatened its customers by saying that if they don’t choose one of those two options, then their phones will be downgraded to a 1984 Macintosh computer.
With its now, prophet-like foresight Apple is asking for a $45 quadzillion investment from Vladimir Putin for a software update that will force people to like his Facebook page.
In a secret meeting with Mark Zuckerberg, Apple, and the KGB, Vladimir Putin reportedly said, “I like zis.”