Do you realize there are child abusers out there with internet access who have no idea that beating your kid is so 1800s…? Crazy, right?! It also happens to be ILLEGAL in these somewhat-United States of America.
As a former mischevious child and current clueless husband, I am an expert in this field. So let me show you a few good ways to teach your kid (or childish husband) a lesson when they inevitably disappoint you.
Before we begin, let’s first look at a picture of Adrian Peterson…
Okay, here we go:
My wife does this to me when I’m a bad husband. She will literally unplug the TV, even though I’m right in the middle of an Xbox-Live match–and then force me to do a chore. It’s such bullshit! But man, do I learn a good lesson in those thirty minutes!
An hour later I completely forget the lesson learned, but who cares as long as I’m back to playing video games?!
Sometimes by doing #1 you do #2 naturally. I’m usually playing Xbox while my wife puts me in timeout, so she’s not only giving me a timeout, she’s also taking away my favorite toy. What a witch!
(I hope she doesn’t read this blog because then she’ll take away my second-favorite toy; the blogging toy, my computer.)
This doesn’t work on husbands because they prefer their wives to remain quiet, but it definitely works on kids.
Giving a child the silent treatment makes them feel lonely. They always need attention. After a good 20 minutes of the silent treatment, they will apologize, earn your respect and–more importantly–they get back the ultimate pleasure of you pretending to be interested in them.
“A frying pan!”
“Yes! That’s a frying pan! Good job, sweetie!”
Maybe learn to cook with it and I’ll be impressed, you little fartsnot.
Back in elementary school when I wasn’t one-foot shorter than people my own age I would beat up kids. I would come home to a disappointed father who, at the first few instances of my despicable behavior, simply expressed his disappointment. But that didn’t prevent me from continuing to act like a dipshit.
Eventually he found a better solution. One day after I beat someone up he told me, “I’m taking you to the police right now!”
I’d pull on his shirt and beg him not to. Bawling my eyes out, he would say to me, “Then promise me you will never beat up anyone again.”
I also never grew past 5 foot 5, so even if I wanted to I couldn’t beat anyone up.
I got this suggestion from here.
If I complete an urgent chore for my wife–such as grabbing a vase that she can’t reach–then she doesn’t complain when I play video games that day. In essence, she’s rewarding my good behavior by not complaining.
The problem is my wife is much more upset when I DON’T do a chore than she is happy when I do.
It’s in our nature to focus on negatives. I do it and you do it, even when we don’t realize it.
Keep that in mind the next time your child comes home with an ‘A-‘ on their report card. Don’t focus on what they could have done better to get an ‘A+.’ Focus on the other 90% of the test that they completed exceptionally.
When they begin studying for the next exam, that’s when you can bring up how to do better with the other 10%. But before that day comes, your kid or childish husband needs that initial reward.
Damn! I’m not even a father yet and I sound like a pro. I guess I’ve learned a thing or two about education and respect. That’s what happens when you’re whipped by a wife, rather than whipping her.
Rel “BostonJew” Mathiowitz is a neurotic, panicky writer who details his pathetic life stories and frustrated points of view.
Rel is 6 foot 5; however, he makes himself appear to be 5 foot 5 because he wants women to lust for him for his personality, and not his grand stature.