In some of his stand up routines, Jackie Mason jokingly argues that America needs a Jewish president so this country can show a profit for once. Even though I love money, I disagree.
First, let’s get the bullshit clear: the American government claims it’s in debt as a scapegoat to withhold money from people (organizations, charities, hunting practice for presidents-clubs, etc).
We take in 4 trillion dollars, and somehow we immediately show a loss; that’s Jewish inspired, governmental ponzi-scheming. But I don’t care, it doesn’t affect me personally. This money laundering and ponzi-scheming hurts one class of people only: the employed. As a proud member and citizen who believes greatly in the vast personal and greater benefits of unemployment, issues pertaining to almost anything relevant at all affect me not in the slightest bit.
While a Jewish president would most certainly bring dignity, normalization, and acceptance to global ponzi-scheming – and, in effect, make our economy grow – there would be so many insignificant details he would be incapable of overlooking.
This is what the average morning of a Jewish President would look like:
The Jewish President’s alarm sounds. He’s been awakened to the same alarm sound the past three days and calls for an engineer to rig the alarm clock so it makes a new sound every morning.
The engineer shows up in the Jewish President’s bedroom and he’s informed of his task. The engineer says it would be easier to buy a new alarm clock that has the capability to change alarm sounds daily, rather than rigging this alarm clock. The President goes into deep thought.
The Jewish President has contemplated the engineer’s advice for ten minutes and finally agrees. By now, most Presidents would be out of the shower, eating breakfast, and reading their agenda for the day.
The Jewish President pops a pimple in his bathroom. Embarrassed by the redness on his forehead, he takes an extra long shower so it eases back to a respectable pinkish color.
The Jewish President wants ham in his eggs. But the cook reminds him he’s Jewish. The President tells the cook to close his eyes as he places the ham in the eggs so he won’t knowingly aid in breaking the kosher. The cook refuses. The President neurotically insists. The cook begrudgingly concedes.
The Jewish President is handed his breakfast and daily agenda simultaneously. He doesn’t like the texture of the agenda’s paper. A very coarse, grainy, tanned-color paper. It’s too sexy, making it hard for him to concentrate. He asks that it be printed on plain, smooth, white paper.
The Jewish President receives the revised paper. He reads through the agenda, notices two typos, and alerts an intern. The intern is unsure whether he wants it reprinted again. The intern asks him for clarification. The President informs her he was simply proving that he has a keen eye. The President winks at her. The intern awkwardly smiles and leaves the room.
Walking to the conference room, the Jewish President stops by a mirror to see if the swelling of his popped pimple alleviated. It was still slightly red. The President smacks his forehead hard a plethora of times so his skin would be red all over, instead of one little spot. It worked. The President smiles and walks on.
The Jewish President, 35 minutes late, arrives at the conference room. The Vice President asks the President if he is alright, pointing out the redness on his forehead. The President tells him it isn’t stress-related. The Vice President tells the President he didn’t ask if it was stress. The President stops to think for a few seconds, then tells the Vice President it was a scolding hot wash towel that caused it. The Vice President gives up and lets his lie fly. The conference begins.
The conference is halted as the Jewish President gets a call from his mother. She demands him to take a coat if he plans on going outside today. The President doesn’t want to and argues with her for ten minutes. Finally, the Vice President whispers to the President, “Tell her you will take a coat when you go outside. You don’t actually have to take the coat if you don’t want to. There’s no way she would know”. The President is awe struck at this genius plan. The President implements the Vice President’s advice and lies to his mother about taking his coat outside. The President hangs up the phone and the conference continues.
The Jewish President asks to stop the conference for a few minutes as he is overcome with guilt after lying to his mother about the coat. The Secretary of State consoles him. The President thanks her.
The conference time is over. The stress from guilt made the Jewish President hungry again, so he asks if he can eat more food before doing whatever it is he’s expected to do. An intern hands him a cinnamon bun, bagel, and lox cream-cheese. The President tells the intern he doesn’t like cinnamon buns and that the bagel was poorly cut in half. It was more of a 70/30 slice, than a 50/50. The intern apologizes and attempts to take back the food, but the President rips it back away from the intern, “What makes you think I don’t want to eat it anyway?”. The President looks at the bagel and bun, tosses them in the garbage, and eats the lox cream cheese with a spoon.
The Jewish President has been awake for three hours. It’s 9:00 am and nothing has been planned or resolved. The neurosis of a Jewish President would collapse the internal structure of the government. While profits would be skyrocketing and the economy stabilizing, people would think the country is on the uprise; but in reality, chaos would ensue.
We don’t need a Jewish president.